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For many women over 60, becoming a grandparent is one of life’s greatest events.
You get the joy of watching little ones grow (and giving them treats, doing crafts, and taking them places) without the stress of day-to-day parenting.
But what happens when your adult children struggle with parenting?
What if their choices, circumstances, or even life crises put your grandchildren at risk or in need of extra care?
Stepping in as a co-parent is one of the most complex and emotionally charged roles a grandparent can face. It can be accompanied by guilt, resentment, love and fierce feelings of protection all at once.
Perhaps the hardest part is figuring out how to help without taking over. You may be the OG, but unless the situation is dire (like legally, dangerously, or medically), you don’t want to usurp your child’s role as a parent. That’s not fair to them, your grandchildren, or you.
So now you’re managing a delicate balance between support, help, and interference.
This is the tightrope many grandmothers find themselves walking.
Let’s discuss the practical realities, the emotional toll, and what it truly entails to co-parent grandchildren while still respecting boundaries.
Recognizing When to Step in and When Not to
Most grandparents never expect to co-parent. They hope their adult children will thrive, provide a stable home, and know how to give their children what they need.
But life doesn’t always follow that script.
Some common situations that can flip the script and pull grandparents into a parenting role include:
- Divorce or custody battles.
- Substance abuse issues.
- Financial instability or homelessness.
- Mental health struggles.
- Overwhelmed young parents.
But how do you know when you’re actually needed, versus when your child isn’t stepping up to their responsibilities or you’re simply uncomfortable with their parenting style?
For Instance, Consider Denise
Denise, 63, never imagined she’d be picking her six-year-old grandson up from school every day and helping with homework. But when her son-in-law left her daughter, the young woman went through a nasty divorce and had to work two jobs to make ends meet. Sometimes, she only had time to kiss her son in the morning and didn’t see him again before he went to bed.
This meant Denise became a daily fixture in her grandson’s life.
Clearly, Denise’s daughter needed her mom’s help, and thankfully, Denise was able to provide it.
But sometimes, the waters are muddied, and “helping” is actually overstepping. How do you know?
Signs You Might Need to Step In
- Safety concerns (neglect, lack of supervision, exposure to harmful environments).
- Ongoing instability (housing, emotional detachment, access to basic needs).
- A direct request for help from your child.
When to Take a Step Back
- You don’t agree with their parenting approach, but your grandchild seems to be doing okay.
- You’re afraid they aren’t doing it right and want more influence due to fear more than necessity.
- Part of you (it may be subconscious) wants a redo so you can make up for parenting mistakes you made when your child was growing up.
So, before you step in and start taking over, ask yourself,
“Is this about what my child and grandchild need or about what I want?”
How to Co-Parent as a Grandparent Without COMPLETELY Taking Over
So, you’ve determined that some kind of help is needed, or you’ve been asked to lend a hand.
Knowing how to help without overstepping is especially difficult. Especially when your adult child is still trying to be a parent, and you want to see them succeed.
Consider these tips for supporting their efforts while providing the help they need.
Communicate Honestly and Gently
Parenting can be hard – remember? You don’t want to kick their already shaky legs out from under them, so start with empathy.
Avoid phrases like, “You’re not doing it right” or “When I was raising you…”
Instead, use language like,
- “How can I best support you right now?”
- “Would it help if I…?”
- “I’m here if you need backup.”
Always ask permission before acting. Even if you feel you know what’s best, offering choices preserves your child’s dignity.
Set Boundaries for Yourself
It’s easy to let love override your own limits. But taking on too much can breed resentment and burnout.
Examples:
- “I can pick up the kids from school, but I can’t commit to every day.”
- “I’m happy to help on weekends, but I have other commitments during the week.”
Patty, 59, for example, found herself in a tough situation.
When her son and his ex split custody of her granddaughter, his travel schedule meant he couldn’t always be there. Rather than asking his ex-wife to take their daughter while he was away, he asked his mom, Patty.
Patty became her granddaughter’s 3rd parent. Although she loved the time with her granddaughter, she realized she was losing her own life and autonomy. And she and her son began to have disagreements on parenting choices.
Finally, Patty had to draw a line and require her son to face the reality of his situation and make changes that resulted in less dependence on her – choices that allowed her to SUPPORT but not parent.
Respect Their Role as Parents
Even if you strongly disagree with some choices (such as screen time, bedtime routines, or discipline styles), unless your grandchild is in danger, it is the parent (your child), not the grandparent, who ultimately calls the shots.
If you truly feel there’s a better, more effective way to handle something, consider offering resources rather than instructions.
“I read about a parenting group that shares ideas on bedtime solutions – would you be interested in the info or link?”
This approach honors their autonomy while still offering help.
The Hard Conversations – When It’s More Than Just Help
Sometimes, there’s a real need for co-parenting grandchildren, and things can move into truly uncomfortable territory.
If your adult child isn’t just struggling but is incapable of providing care and safety, things can become emotionally brutal.
What do I mean?
- Substance abuse that endangers the child.
- Domestic violence or emotional abuse in the home.
- Severe mental health crises left untreated.
In these cases, stepping in fully – even legally – may be required. Sadly, you may even need to contact child protective services or consider temporary guardianship if the situation is dire.
These are gut-wrenching, heartbreaking situations. You may feel like you’re betraying your child, but protecting the grandchild has to come first.
This was the case for Carla, 65, who had to step in when her daughter developed an opioid addiction after knee surgery. Carla’s son-in-law was overwhelmed and was working out of town.
“I threatened to call CPS – on my own child! It broke me. I cried for weeks. But I knew my grandson needed to be somewhere safe.”
Today, she’s raising him full-time during the week, her daughter is in recovery, and her son-in-law takes him on the weekends.
If you can relate to Carla in any way, be sure to seek support for yourself as well.
- Join a grandparent support group (many exist both locally and online).
- Seek counseling – these dynamics are complex and painful.
- Lean on trusted friends who can offer perspective.
Give Grace to Yourself and Your Family
Co-parenting grandchildren is never black and white. And it’s almost never easy, no matter how much you love your grandchild.
You may feel pride one day and crushing guilt the next. You may resent your child, while also wanting to protect them.
Give yourself permission to have and experience these conflicting emotions. No one plans for this, and there’s no perfect script to follow.
What matters is recognizing when to lend a hand, when to step in, and when to step back. And doing this with love, honesty, and healthy boundaries. It can be hard to see where the lines should be, so get the help of an experienced counselor if needed.
You won’t always get it right. But if you move slowly, with compassion and respect, you’re more likely to preserve the relationships that matter most, even in the messiest seasons.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you had to co-parent your grandchildren? Were you able to establish clear boundaries or was it messy and difficult? If you’ve had to co-parent your grandchildren, please share your story and join the conversation.
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